UNREQUITED LUV.

*DISCLAIMER: This post was written in December 2021, three months prior to my relationship*

"Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don't say anything because we're frozen with fear of what those words might do to the relationship." -tuesdays with Morrie

Have you ever loved someone who didn't love you back? At least not in the way you want them to? I have, plenty of times, but this one hurt more than the rest. This one was real.

It started off like most do- a simple fantasy. Me dreaming about they day we magically fall in love and end up together forever. Which never happens, we usually end up distant acquaintances. It's just me daydreaming and never making a move. With this story, however, something else happened; we became friends.

Well shit, I can't be her friend and want to kiss her face all the time, that's too much torture. And I am always saying how well I do at not falling for my friends, so I'll just wait this one out, let the crush fade away. Well, as you can all guess, my feelings didn't go anywhere. They actually got stronger the more I got to know her. My fantasy for her turned into me truly caring about her. I wanted to know everything about her, to make her feel loved and appreciated, and to be a great friend for her. The only part that sucked ass was I desperately wanted to be more than friends. It was getting impossible for me to be so close to her all the time but not actually have her.

I was good about respecting our friendship, until I had a little liquid courage in me- then I would push the boundaries, flirt a little. It never pushed her away but it also never got me anywhere. She knows I'm gay and she has to be picking up on the attempts, right? So either she is comfortable in the friendship and doesn't care that I occasionally flirt, or maybe there's a slim chance...? I'm doubtful, but still clutching on to the possibility.

I read a poem about unrequited love one night and started to cry. I was stuck between not wanting to ruin this amazing relationship I had with her and telling her the truth for my sanity. I was scared I wouldn't be able to love anyone else without knowing for sure I wouldn't be able to have her. I broke down to my best friends a couple of times, and we all decided I needed to say something, it was killing me emotionally, I never could stop thinking about her. And you know what they say; we only have this one life to live, so go for what you want. I saw her after my friends and I decided this, and the interaction was so natural and comfortable, why ruin it and possibly make it uncomfortable? I chickened out.

I ultimately decided that my attempts were there, she couldn't be completely oblivious. She's an adult and she can make her own decisions, so balls in her court. Plus, it is a new friendship, I don't want to rush anything. Until then, I'll continue to give to the current relationship we have and hope for the best.

Fast forward a few months. Our friendship has continued, we talk all of the time, spend a lot of time together, and it is so easy. I still crave more, but I'm still stuck at the line and not able to cross it. Sometimes in our deep talks, she will say things like "you never know if you don't try", and "just be in the moment", and I want to tell her how I feel so badly. HOWEVER, she also says things like maturity is one of her biggest necessities in a relationship, and I'm terrified that I don't meet that for her. I can't stand the thought of her seeing me as a "child". She says I overthink, which is completely true, but how can I not in this situation? How can I be in the moment with her, while fantasizing about so much more?