Attachment styles.

Do you know yours? I had no idea what mine was or how it even affected my life and relationships. By the time I did learn, it was too late for me and my ex, because while I was learning and applying healthy communication skills, she was still stuck in the toxic cycle we had created over our two years together. I do wish so badly that I was aware of these issues prior to our relationship, because if we would have started with healthier behaviors I truly believe we would still be together. Unfortunately, neither of us had "secure" attachment styles and it created co-dependent patterns which led to our major issues.

So don't be like me- learn your attachment style, learn your partner's style, or just learn them all so you can better understand the important people in your life just a little more. There's even a quiz you can take, I put the link below! I am lucky to be able to take what I've learned and use it moving forward to be a better partner and overall be more content with life.

Here is the four main styles:

https://www.attachmentproject.com/

1. Anxious-preoccupied

-often seeks approval, support, and responsiveness from their partner

-typically have a negative self-image, while having a positive view of others

-value their relationships highly

-often anxious and worried that their loved one is not as invested in the relationship as they are

-strong fear of abandonment

-attention, care, and responsiveness of the partner appears to be the ‘remedy’ for anxiety

-absence of support and intimacy can lead the anxious / preoccupied type to become more clinging

and demanding, preoccupied with the relationship, and desperate for love

2. Avoidant-dismissive

-often perceive themselves as ‘lone wolves’: strong, independent, and self-sufficient

-high self-esteem and a positive view of themselves

-tend to believe that they don’t have to be in a relationship to feel complete

-do not want to depend on others, have others depend on them, or seek support and approval

-generally avoid emotional closeness

-tend to hide or suppress their feelings when faced with a potentially emotion-dense situation

3. Disorganized / fearful-avoidant

-tends to show unstable and ambiguous behaviors in their social bonds

-the partner and the relationship themselves are often the source of both desire and fear

-want intimacy and closeness, but also experience troubles trusting and depending on others

-do not regulate their emotions well

-avoid strong emotional attachment, due to their fear of getting hurt

4. Secure

-comfortable expressing emotions openly

-can depend on their partners and in turn, let their partners rely on them

-relationships are based on honesty, tolerance, and emotional closeness

-thrive in their relationships, but also don’t fear being on their own

-do not depend on the responsiveness or approval of their partners

-tend to have a positive view of themselves and others

Now I would LOVE to say that I have secure attachment style, but in reality I am the poster child for anxious attachment style. I need to know my partner is happy and still loves me to truly feel content (I know, I'm working on it), and I struggled with personal boundaries to keep myself from falling down those anxious rabbit holes.

While on this journey, I have learned that my ex fits in to the disorganized attachment style. During the end of our relationship I had sent her different quizzes and tools to learn about ourself and then also learn about each other. Either she didn't do them, or just didn't want to share them with me, because we never were able to have healthy discussions about our attachment styles and how we could grow and learn from them together. I tried.. but there's only so much one can do to help an already damaged relationship.

These styles form in childhood, but I will take some blame now that I'm old enough to understand and learn healthy ways to change them. So to my next partner; just know you will be getting the best version of me.

https://quiz.attachmentproject.com/