Signs She's *TOXIC*

This is for educational purposes only I swear.

I would have given the world to someone who wouldn't have given it back to me, and I want to talk about those pesky little red flags that had been telling me that from the beginning. In the back of my mind I always knew that our relationship was unhealthy, but I CLUNG on to the hope that it would change and become the relationship I always envisioned it would be- and that may be my own toxic way of thinking. Unfortunately, our relationship only seemed to get worse the harder I held on. I needed out for my own mental health, but how could I let go of someone I loved so damn much???

Let's talk about red flags.

"Red flags are warning signs that indicate unhealthy or manipulative behavior. They are not always recognizable at first — which is part of what makes them so dangerous. However, they tend to grow bigger and become more problematic over time."

Here's mine that I've come to realize on my own after getting out of this relationship:

1. I couldn't get past the honeymoon phase. Now whether it was really that versus I just wanted my basic love and emotional needs to continue to be met, that's hard to tell. To me, I never want the touching, kissing, giggling, flirting to stop. I continuously gave all 5 love languages and all I wanted was simple touches and words throughout the day. I stopped getting those from my ex, she said she wanted to have someone to "live everyday life with," and I wanted that too, only my version of everyday life still included affection and apparently hers didn't.

2. I was unable to be direct about my needs. I'm conflict avoidant, which I have also learned throughout all of this mess, and I talk about it more in my "Attachment styles" blog. But basically what I would do was brush things off, they would build up inside, then when I was truly upset about something I would, as my ex would say, "take everything to an extreme". I would get more upset, which would then lead to word vomit, which would basically end with me having an anxiety attack, shutting down and not wanting to share my emotions anymore.She would then end up hugging me and telling me everything will be ok- which is literally all I would want. After I'd calm down and she would show me the love that I had craved, I would get my hopes up that it was all better and would now be back to getting the affection she had used to show me. But the cycle would continue- at first maybe once a month, but then becoming as frequent as once a week. Even when I had worked on confronting conflict head on, practicing what I would say in my head, going in with clear intentions... I truly believe our relationship was past the point of fixing; our toxicity levels were lethal at that point.

3. I always felt like she was upset with me. Which again goes back to my attachment style. I never felt secure with her love for me. If she was quiet for some reason- she was mad at me; if she wasn't as touchy with me- she was upset with me; that's how my brain would work. It's annoying to me and for her, because I wanted reassurance that everything was okay and that she still was happy with me. I always felt that I was asking for too much when this topic arose.

4. I didn't know how to parent, and I wasn't allowed. I have never been a parent, and she had two kids. I was never able to "parent" them, but would also get the cold shoulder when I treated them too much like my siblings. I was stuck in a weird middle spot and I wasn't sure how to grow out of that. The environment wasn't made for me to become a good step-parent.

5. I have a "Hero Complex". I went in to our relationship with the idea that I would be the one to show her what real love is. I could make her happy and give her the safety and comfort of a relationship she always deserved. I would be her knight in shining armor, her prince charming. My only issue was that after giving all of myself to make sure that came true, I was empty because it wasn't being replaced. The idea of loving as hard as I had been was one-sided. The feelings were not mutual. I had been living in a fantasy world where I focused on the relationship we could be and not seeing it for what it really was.

6. I focused more on her needs than my own. I'm a people pleaser. I needed to feel like she was happy with me to be happy with myself.

Now, I'm sure my ex would say I have a lot more red flags than that, but these are things I have come to understand about myself that I can work on and be a better version of myself and a healthier partner for the next person. Plus, she's not here to tell that side of the story, so instead here's a different list of her red flags and those little signs that solidified me realizing we were toxic together.

1. She made me feel guilty for being with friends and family. It was all or nothing all the time- either I am with her and never with friends, or I can go do my own thing and we would just do everything separate. She even made me feel guilty for wanting to go home to be with my grandma for her last thanksgiving instead of staying with her while she had to work all night and sleep all day, saying she had never spent a holiday alone before.

2. She would compare me to her ex-husband. Who in my opinion was a piece of trash partner and dad, but again, just my opinion. She always assumed my efforts weren't genuine and I would end up being like him one day, because that's all she's ever known. She had unresolved issues from that marriage and she carried them over to our relationship.

3. Speaking of her ex, she would reach out to him to help her move things in her house, put in a mailbox, take a look at her lawn mower, or even to share a fun story about their son that she didn't even care to share with me. And her other exes? or situationships or whatever you want to call them? Still had their numbers, still checked in with them when they would reach out. It actually took over a year for her to tell some of them that she was in a relationship.

4. She didn't care if she was talking with someone that made me uncomfortable. These people that had made passes at her, or even confessed that they liked her, were still apart of her life even when she knew it upset me to learn that they talked/face-timed on a regular basis.

5. Refused to let me post anything with her, unless I had certain mutual people blocked. Gave no sign on any social media that she was in a relationship. When I would ask, she would blame it on me wanting to share for the likes and that she couldn't compete with social media. I explained I just wanted to show the person who I loved, who I have worked my whole life to be able to love out in the open. We weren't a private relationship, we were a secret one. After two years, she told me I was trying to force her out of the closet, which was the first time I had heard that considering she preached that she didn't care what people thought of her. I would never force someone out if they weren't ready, and that's why we were a hard match, because in the end I had realized that I felt like she was forcing me back in the closet. I moved to KC as an out and proud lesbian, but I wasn't even able to share that I had a person.

6. She denied that what we had was unhealthy, she couldn't see the toxic cycle we were stuck in. Whereas I could, but I couldn't leave it.

7. Gave empty promises that things would change.

8. Would never meet me in the middle, whether it was for seeing friends, going to weddings or events, adult time vs kid time- it was her way or there would be issues. I gave up so much to keep the peace. She didn't even try at all.

Ok, I feel like I'm just venting at this point... You get the picture.

I stayed because I loved her, I cared about her. I didn't want to leave her, I didn't want her to feel like she failed or that she was unloved. I stayed to protect her, and it caused me so many mental health issues. My panic attacks began and only increased, my self harm thoughts came back, I started antidepressants, I shut myself off from friends, I stopped loving myself, my suicidal thoughts crept back in, and I had cried more about our relationship than I could have ever imagined. I needed out. I needed to end it for me, and honestly I was becoming a person I didn't want to be; so I ended it, which I truly believe in the end was best for her too.