TRAGEDIES: A MEMOIR

Please enjoy these short stories of me embarrassing the heck out of myself.

So here I am, about to go on my first Tinder date. You may not know this, but I am actually quiet and slightly awkward around new people, and I'm about to let you know that enhances when it's a one-on-one situation. It didn't help that this girl was beautiful, or the fact that I was sober. Anyway, it was going OK I thought; I picked her up and met her roommate, her cats, and her puppy. We then drove to a restaurant that ended up being closed for renovations, and we had to sit in a gas station parking lot until I found another place. Ha, good start. I found somewhere that looked nice, drove to the location, didn't see a sign or anywhere to park, and drove passed the area. Smooth. While at a stop sign, I was going to turn right but saw parking straight ahead. It was snowy and dark, there was a bit of a hill, and honestly I was just worried about oncoming traffic- so I sped straight across the road. Before I knew it, I HIT A MEDIAN. Like legit drove right over a curb in the middle of the rode. I hit my head on the ceiling of my car and lights and dings started coming from my dash. I'm surprised my airbags didn't go off. At this point, I had no choice but to just drive over the rest and try to park. My tire was completely flat. Her roommate came and picked us up and we just casually hung out the rest of the night. We never did actually eat.

To be more adventurous, I try to leave my phone number on receipts when I go out to eat. One night, I was invited to a place where I had never been before. I sat down and the waitress came over smiling at me and I was like wow, she looks familiar. She also smiled a lot, which I thought was weird but hey, gotta make those tips. There was even a point in the night where I was saying how my friend received and extremely unwanted dick pic and joked that he might be straight now, and I said that it actually made me gayer. She walked up during this story and laughed, so I thought sure, I'll leave her my number, I haven't done it in awhile. She left for the night and we closed out with her. Later I went to the bathroom and saw a really bright bug light on the wall, and I had seen it before because I thought it was a selfie station (I know, I'm an idiot). Anyway, I had been there before. Once I thought about it a little more, I had the same waitress both times, and I had left my number with her before with no response. Super cool move. Double the desperation.

Here's a low one for me. My friend, Lindsey, and I were at a small bar in our hometown, which means it was us, two old men, and the bartender. I was feeling this particular bartender. I mentioned this to Lindsey and it became our goal for the night to get me to flirt with her. I didn't think I was doing too bad with the conversation part, but to her I was probably just another friendly customer. So next thing I know she goes outside to smoke (DISCLAIMER: smoking is gross and bad for your health, but there's also something about it that will always be just a little bit sexy to me). Lindsey dares me to go out and ask her for one. I don't smoke so this is not the best plan we've thought of, but she was persistent in daring me to go out there. I step outside. "Can I bum one?" Stupid. She hands me one and I awkwardly ask for a lighter too. As soon as my damn thing was lit, she finishes hers up and walks inside. I'm left with this thing just burning in my hand, I wait awhile then I throw it in the street and walk back inside; defeated.