MENTAL HEALTH

Some people have heart problems, some people have issues with their blood, and I have a chemical imbalance. I have struggled with anxiety and depression since puberty, and I am not ashamed of it because I know I'm not alone in the struggle. Why our society makes mental illness such a taboo topic is beyond me, so here's my story.

Once upon a time there was 8th grade me. My friend and I had a disagreement one day, and the next morning no one in my friend group would talk to me. I was basically shunned. And I knew the friendship was over because I was in the group when we had done it to others. Talk about karma. I didn’t eat or talk to anyone for at least 2 weeks. I cried all the time. And that’s where my depression began.

  All through high school I had periods of hating myself and my body so much. I wouldn’t eat for long periods of time, and when I did I’d make myself throw it all back up. It didn't seem like an issue at the time, because I didn't always do it and I could stop when I wanted. Then junior/senior year I started drinking. I’d get so drunk I’d lose all control of my feelings and everything would spill out. I'd cry and hurt myself. I was very depressed and constantly prayed that God would just take me away, and I didn’t understand why I was still here. I felt unbelievably worthless. I didn’t get along with my mom and I always felt that my friends weren’t really my friends. I hated myself.

After I graduated high school is when things really went downhill. This is when I started acting on those feelings. I got hammered and I tried to cut my wrists to see if I would bleed out. Luckily that was a one time event.

Then comes the 4th of July. I was throwing up every single thing I ate at this point and was sad as hell. I begin to consume wayyyy too much vodka. I later broke down and took the 30+ diet pills I had been on and swallowed them all at once. I had to be in the ICU for 3 days- hallucinating and acting all sorts of batshit crazy from the drugs and detoxing. Then I spent 3 days on a mental health unit. During this stay I got the call from my mom where she asked if I was gay and I asked "what if I am?" But she proceeded to tell me I wasn't. I left too early because I felt like I didn’t belong there since I wasn’t schizophrenic or a drug addict, but boy I was wrong. I needed so much help and I had no idea how to get it. 

Freshman year of college started off good. I had been taking an antidepressant for a couple of months and felt happy that I was getting to start over somewhere new. And then it went bad. Got too drunk too many times, stopped taking my medication because "things were good", and started feeling suicidal again because I wasn’t dealing with my issues sober. I lost all my friends I had made. I’d get drunk and do things like punch a mirror because I thought I deserved the pain. And then started throwing up everything I ate again, until one day my throat was so swollen I could barely swallow.

That next summer I was still barfing, still drinking, and ended up punching a cement wall until my hand was the size of my head. I went to the ER and told them I needed help. This was when it was ME who decided I needed a change. I went to another mental health unit, I took it seriously to better myself. I was put on antibuse- a drug that if you even touch alcohol it makes you violently sick. It made me really think about how I was feeling and how much I was drinking.

Unfortunately, I told myself I was better and stopped taking the medication. I will admit I was doing better, but I definitely had my moments. When I was in my secret relationship in college, I began to have panic attacks. I don't know if I felt guilty for not truly loving her but staying with her, or maybe I felt trapped because I still wasn't out yet. I never got help for those.

Being out and being my true self has been the best thing for my mental health. Plus add the amazing friendships I have made and rekindled; I wouldn't trade the people I have for anything. I can talk about things, get advice on my issues, and not hate myself as much. Of course I still get depressed, it’s a part of who I am. And there are many times I think about throwing up because I am unhappy with my body. And I’ve had slips. BUT I’ve come so far and I’ve learned it is okay to ask for help and to BE HAPPY with your life.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

The Trevor Project

1-866-488-7386

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/