INCHING OUT OF THE CLOSET

Aha my coming out story. To be honest, I don’t really have one. This blog is actually a big part of it, and I’ve been “out” for two years. 

Coming out is terrifying. I had known since at least 8th grade that I had different feelings towards women and no feelings at all for boys. I dreaded the day my high school friends would find out. Would they be mad? Or upset they changed in front of me? How can I let them know they have always been just friends? The same thing happened with my college freshman group of friends. It was always in the back of my mind that it would change EVERYTHING, so I kept it deep down inside me. I wasn’t happy, I was depressed, and at times suicidal (I’ll save that happy story for later). One time when I was drunk I had told my childhood bestie, Kenedy, that I might like girls, and she was totally fine with it. Why didn’t I see that as an opportunity to tell everyone I loved? Who knows. 

One night freshman year, a cute little being named Kyton pulled me aside at a bar and asked, “are you gay?” I was so stunned I just replied with, “how did you know?!?” Still to this day I have not gotten an answer, but I did get a lifelong best friend. Kyton helped me become comfortable with who I was, because he was so comfortable with who he was. I was his wing-man, and he was my wing-woman. I slowly came to terms with who I really was, (and by slowly I mean I didn’t come out to the rest of my friends until 2 years later). 

It was a process. Slowly I allowed myself to open up. It started with me saying I don’t want a boyfriend, to then letting people know that I have done things with girls before. Freshman year, in fact, I managed to secretly sleep with 4 different women. 

Sophomore year brings a secret girlfriend. I learned a lot about what it takes to be in a relationship and a lot about myself. Unfortunately I loved her as a friend, and I ended up leading her on for longer than I had wanted, but the relationship as a whole taught me a lot. 

Junior and senior year of college is when I really started doing what makes me happy. I started going to the gay bar and I met my big gay family. I owe the beautiful humans I have met at Kings & Queens so much, for loving me and accepting me and always being there for me. Honestly, saying I was going to the gay bar was one of the ways that helped me in coming out. Then I worked up enough courage to tell my best friends. I’m here to say their responses were all similar; they were HAPPY for me. Most of them also said they knew it all along, or at least assumed I wasn't straight. They were proud and supportive. I can say the same about when I told my step mom and my oldest sister, nothing but love.

Now here I am, a year out of college, able to tell strangers and talk about things openly with my friends and some family. I came out to my best friend at my new job, and it has just become a part of me that people know. I moved from Iowa to Kansas, and now I don’t have to “come out” to new people, I can just BE OUT, and if they have issues with that then I don’t need them in my life. 

It isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, however. My mom was the first person I tried to come out to, the summer before college, and she didn’t accept it. She argued with me and has been in denial ever since (5 years strong), despite my multiple attempts to remind her that I won’t be marrying a man. I also don’t have a super close relationship with my dad, so I haven’t said anything to him or my grandparents on his side. I figure when the time is right, I’ll be ready to tell them.  

There's one story has stuck with me in this whole process. I was out in my hometown and was talking with two boys that had also come out since graduating high school. One of them asked if everyone in town knew, and I said no, and he basically told me that I hadn’t come out yet. In his eyes, I needed to make it publicly known, such as in a post on social media. I didn’t say much at the time, but looking back it actually makes me a little mad. I do not owe anyone anything. I have every right to come out to who I want and to the people that matter to me and still consider myself out. 

So for those reading who are struggling with coming out- do it at your own pace, do it how YOU want because it’s YOUR story. And know there are always people who will support you and be there for you, even if sometimes the people we love most do not. Don’t let that discourage you from being who you are.