EXPERIMENTING

"You haven't met the right guy yet." -My mom

or my personal favorite

"You just haven't had the right dick yet." -Some random dude on the Sharky's dance floor.

I call bull on anything related to those statements. I can testify that a person knows what they like, and no one should be able to tell them differently. Being gay is not "just a phase", and here is my proof that being straight, in fact, was my phase.

Middle school and freshman year of high school I can remember being so jealous of my friends with boyfriends, I wanted boys to like me too, but I wasn't interested in flirting or really doing anything to pursue them. Then sophomore year I get a boyfriend. He took me on dates, bought me things, held my hand, basically did all the things a great boyfriend would do. I wanted so badly to like him back, and yet I had to think about women to even make out with the poor kid. Eventually, I had to end things. He was my first and only serious boyfriend.

After that, I think not having a boyfriend took its toll on me. I went back and forth from knowing I don't want a boyfriend, to feeling like I need one so people don't find out the truth. The summer before my senior year I was talking with a boy and I realized I may actually have feelings for him. After awhile of talking, I went over to hangout with him, we had a few drinks, and I lost my virginity. I didn't have anything to compare it to, so I thought "hey, maybe I could be with a guy." Nope, I couldn't. A month or two later, I got really drunk and slept with another guy, felt nothing. A month or two after that I was suuuuper drunk and ended up going home with my sophomore year boyfriend (lol). Then I started talking to another guy and went on a date with him, only to meet and go home with a girl for the first time. Back at it a few months later I slept with a close guy friend. I needed to get my shit together. I didn't feel anything with these boys, and why did it take so much alcohol to even consider doing it? In reality, I was in denial and wanted to keep who I was a secret, so in my mind that meant sleeping with guys to cover the truth from my friends.

Freshman year of college brought all new friends, so I could be open and not have to lie, right? Ha. I wish more than anything I was honest from the start. First semester I talked with a dude for awhile and we hung out twice. I felt zero butterflies and was basically annoyed the whole time, and he was the last guy I ever made an effort of being with. Sometimes I would let people believe I was Bi; I would never confirm nor deny my sexual orientation, because it was easier and I was still so terrified to come out.

So... I tried. I experimented with boys... it wasn't for me.