DREAMS THAT DON'T COME TRUE

“Crushes” because they crush you, right? That has to be the reason someone decided that was the term. I hate crushes. I see someone who I’m attracted to and allow myself to imagine us together, and then that never happens. I was talking to a friend and she said she never lets herself daydream or fantasize because it sort of sets you up for disappointment. But that’s what I live for apparently; thinking up all these amazing things about the life we could have and never going for it. I sit back and watch nothing happen between my crush and I because I’m terrified of rejection. I should back up and say that my crushes are usually on straight women, so my chances of these relationships becoming a real thing are very small. They are even smaller because I normally don’t do anything about them; I just think about them. 

The worst part about these crushes (for me) is when they make a statement that makes it official we will never be together. If I have a crush on someone, I can pretend that there's a chance they are in to me or at least bi or something; I can work with with those slim possibilities. It's when they say things like "I just need to find a man who..." or "I need a boyfriend..." that my fantasies come crashing down. That's when the reality sets in that the goal of being with them is unattainable. I have no shame in saying that I set myself up for failure majority of the time, I just wish I would stop.

I always feel strange "hitting on" someone. You never know how they are going to react. I would hope people would just be flattered, but I always have in the back of my mind that it would just be a super uncomfortable situation. Plus, I don't want to make any future contact with this person awkward, so I suppress every urge I have to commit to them. For example, the girl who handles my car insurance is beautiful, super easy to get along with, and single; but in my mind, is it even appropriate to ask her out? If I were a guy would it be acceptable? I decided no, because it is a professional relationship. The same goes for people I work with (made that mistake before), I just don't want any lingering tension. Sometimes I try subtle flirting, but apparently it is too subtle because it has never worked, literally ever.

Lets talk about what happens when there's that 0.02% chance my crush flirts back. Well, I do the obvious and freeze. Everything I've ever learned, including words, melts out of my head. No wonder I get no where when it comes to relationships, I suck at flirting. Sometimes I just suck at talking; thinking of what to say, trying to be funny yet mature, responding... go me. I shouldn't say this, but alcohol really is my only shot at finding love. I tend to be a bit more smooth when the buzz sets in. Not only do I just not care as much, but I genuinely feel like my conversational skills improve. I hate that this is what it takes, but maybe someday I'll have the balls to actually ask my crush out... sober.